How your insecurity is affecting those you love

If you have listened to Episode 5 of the Breakable to Unshakeable podcast, you will know I had a recent attack of insecurity when deciding to go for a swim. And no, it wasn’t because of the cellulite which is now etched in my thighs after two years of eating and drinking, but because it involved me putting my hair up and I felt really exposed.

When I was a teenager, I had all my hair chopped off and I essentially had a boys haircut and I know it’s all the rage now, but I was really quite suicidal. It may sound dramatic but I was 14 and had started liking boys and now they thought I looked like one - genuine fact - I was once called Gareth.

I remember as a child that no one ever said I was pretty; it was always ‘don’t you have lovely thick hair’ . I wasn’t that keen on it to be honest and just thought it was very brown and boring and how I envied the pretty blonde girls at school who got all the attention.

Perhaps if I had appreciated my hair more I wouldn’t have made the ridiculous decision (mum this is your fault!) to have it all chopped off like that, but hey, we live and we learn.

Ignore the mum part. I take full responsibility for my actions (seriously though, would you let your kid do that?) and my mum would be the first to tell you I was incredibly strong willed. She could have tried but I think she thought better of it.

Anyhow, I digress. So the insecurity that I thought I had killed was back with a vengeance and having my hair scraped back was reminding me of Gareth. I looked like Gareth again! But I didn’t want to ruin what was going to be a traumatic first day back at the gym (I know swimming, seriously? I genuinely needed to ease myself back in) for my partner and I and so I had to pull myself together and sharpish.

Now, there are a huge amount of techniques out there that you may or may not be aware of, including NLP which could have helped bring me back down to earth but you want to know the truth? I forgot about them. However, what I did was ‘Talk Therapied’ myself and I went from avoiding a big ugly tantrum and refusing to go, to getting through it and enjoying my swim. I am a big believer in suffer it until you’ve mastered it because when we truly get to the bottom of our insecurities and self-doubt we can actually use that information to move forward.

The truth was, I had to get over myself and so here’s how it went:

Step One - Take responsibility

Me 1: ‘‘Layla, why are you feeling so insecure?’

Me 2: ‘‘I don’t know but it feels horrible. I look so ugly and I don’t want to go anymore’

Me 1: ‘‘But you were looking forward to it and if you don’t go, you’ll ruin the day for your other half’

Me 2: I start thinking about this and how I don’t want to spoil the day.

I keep thinking about why I am feeling like this and where the insecurity is coming from. I eventually get to the fact that having my hair scraped back for the pool is taking me back to the ‘Gareth’ days and I feel very exposed and ugly.

The more I look at myself the uglier I can feel myself becoming and so I say to myself, ‘‘You are not going to ruin this day and you are going to go for a swim.’

I go downstairs with my bag and wait for my other half and we head off to the gym.

I was determined that I was not going to ruin the day for either of us.

I then went into the changing rooms and got ready and instead of going to the mirror to tie my hair up, I went into the ladies and did my hair there. I couldn't see what I looked like and that way, I couldn’t get concerned about how I looked.

Step 2: Make a decision

As I walked into the pool area I quickly decided where I would enter the pool from and just got in and started swimming. All I focused on was my arms and legs doing what I hoped resembled some form of genuine aquatic movement but this helped me stay focused and calm.

Now, if this had been a social situation you could decide who you will go up to, or which table you would sit at.

It doesn’t matter what you do, but you must make a decision so that you are not just left standing around feeling awkward.

Step 3: Take the emphasis off of yourself

The next thing I had to remind myself was that even though I was wrapped up in my own world, everyone there was just getting on with enjoying themselves and had no interest in me, whatsoever because the trouble with insecurity is, you become so wrapped up in hating yourself that you think everyone is talking about you, when really, you are quite insignificant - you are just another person in the room.

So instead of focusing on myself, I began to enjoy my surroundings. There were mums and kids playing and couples mucking around and I began to enjoy the space I was in. Again, if this had been a social situation you would take the emphasis off of yourself by taking an interest in other people.

The thing with insecurity and self-doubt is, even though the effects of this can be debilitating, it can also lead to us being quite selfish. When I reflect back and remember all the times people have missed out on doing things because I refused to go here, there and everywhere in case someone thought I was ugly, it mortifies me. I used to be in a little group called Edwardo the Avocado with my best friend's ex husband Simon - yep, you read that right. I was a bloody nightmare and would probably have been labelled a diva if in the real music world. He played the guitar and I sang and it was just a really nice thing to do. But the insecurity I would go through was painful and bizarrely it never got better but got worse and worse. If we had a gig, I would literally go straight into signing. I couldn’t do any banter type thing between songs because I was always stunned that people were watching us. And the truth is, the focus was always on me. What if people think I am rubbish? What if we are embarrassing ourselves? What if they think I can’t sing? What if I can’t hit the high notes?

It was never about Simon. This lovely guy who just loved writing his songs and having them shared with people. I was always wrapped up in my insecurity bubble and I actually backed out of gigs because I got the fear and couldn’t do it. But there was no consideration for Simon. It was all about me.

And do you want to know the worst part? I didn’t think I was being selfish because it was about my insecurity and that took precedence over everything else. I felt that my issues were a genuine reason for everyone else to work around them.

If you too are suffering from crippling insecurity and you are missing out on things, do take a moment to reflect on who else you are impacting. I know how difficult that must sound because you don’t believe that anyone else is suffering as badly as you, but if you do have people in your life, they will be impacted. You always feel as if it’s just you missing out and that’s how we reason it, but the truth is, it does impact others.

I hope this honesty with my own insecure demons has been food for thought and if you do need help, then you can visit my website and download my free ‘Change the way you see yourself in 7 days’ workbook. It is pretty comprehensive and really helps you dig down into those limiting self beliefs.