Is fear holding you back?

What is fear?

Before we look at fear as a topic, I used to fear everything and everyone. As a kid I was so self-conscious and I couldn’t go to the shop without taking my little sister. I just felt fearful all the time. I got over that for a period and I remember feeling quite confident in myself, but then, I completely lost myself.

Looking back, I think I had a mini breakdown. I had allowed my self-esteem to plummet off the back of 2 toxic relationships, but the truth is, I was only in those relationships in the first place because I did not value myself. Inevitably when you feel the world is against you, low self-esteem takes hold and before I knew it I was too stressed and too scared to work. Then I had no money and my outlook seemed dire and I felt that I had hit rock bottom. In fact, I remember phoning my mum one evening and telling her that if I hadn't managed to turn my life around in the next year, I was done.

And from that moment on I sought comfort zones. I avoided everything. My friend was a tremendous support but she must have got frustrated with me because she’d have to make awkward phone calls and sort things out for me. At one point, my self-esteem was so low I literally could not talk to people.

So what was going on?

To keep it simple, I was living from a state of fear. I was scared of a relationship hurting me, I was scared of losing my home, I was scared of going to work, I was scared of having no money, I was scared of being a crap mum, but at the same time, I was loving the comfort zone because although my life was falling down around my ears, I was safe when I was tucked up in bed ignoring the world around me.

And I was waiting to be saved. I was not prepared to take responsibility for myself and in all honesty, my fear was so great I didn’t even think it was possible.

So what is fear?

To keep it really simple there are two types:

Rational fear and irrational fear

Fear can be very useful. There is a theory that fear comes from the reptilian part of our brain whose sole function is survival and this is where the flight, fight or freeze responses come from.

So, if someone is standing in front of you threatening you with a knife, you feel fearful and one of your fear responses will kick in and this can, of course, be very helpful (as long as you don't freeze).

However, nowadays people are fearful of things that can never physically harm us, but we fear things that have an emotional impact on us.

We are fearful of going for job interviews, attending meetings, getting into relationships, going to work, being judged, a fear of social situations and being socially awkward, leaving a partner, a fear of being alone, being dumped, that people may not like us... the list goes on and on.

And these fears, whilst we can logically say they are irrational, feel so real

Why do they appear so real?

These fear responses to the irrational, those things that are not going to cause us harm e.g. public speaking, or going to an interview, are learnt behaviours.

We have taught ourselves that these everyday activities are something to fear. It could be because of a bad experience you had - something that had an emotional impact on you, or it could be fearing the fear itself because that is what has been taught to you by someone else. Think of a kid who grows up with his mum screaming whenever she sees a spider - the kid is likely going to also have a fear of spiders. I have scientific proof of this in fact. I screamed a lot around spiders and now have a son who is terrified of them.

So, if we have learnt a fear response, the reality is, we can unlearn it also. But it does take time because the fears that we have lived our lives believing in and have lived with for so long in many circumstances are our belief system. Just as you can't tell someone who believes in a god that god doesn't exist, you can't tell a woman who has constantly had bad relationships that there are some good men out there.

They won’t believe it.

And by the way, I am not suggesting god does/doesn’t exist, I am just demonstrating that a belief is strong and something that cannot be questioned. Beliefs are powerful and that’s why it's important that we challenge the beliefs we have when they are not serving us.

So how can we help ourselves when we are fearing life?

Fears when irrational need to be reframed, we need to question them and challenge them. We cannot take them at face value.

So here is a little acronym that I use when there is something I don’t want to do.

F - Focus

E - Everything A - Around R - Rationality

Let’s say it’s public speaking. The things we fear are usually on the lines of; people are going to judge me, everyone will be staring at me, what if I say something stupid, what if I pass out, what if I have a panic attack and so on? You can't stop those thoughts from coming into your head, however, you can respond to them.

So if we were to focus everything around rationality, we would be challenging our fear-based thoughts and replacing them with….I know my subject matter very well and if I forget to say something, well only I know what I was going to say, so it’s likely no one would notice. People can judge me if they want to, but I know what I am talking about and hopefully I can teach them a thing or two. I am going to feel nervous of course that is normal, but I just need to focus on what I am there to say and before I know it, I will be thanking them all for listening and sitting back down.

That is just one simple example but the power of reframing your thoughts is life-changing.

But let me be honest with you. There are still times when there are things I do not want to do. Do I sometimes feel that fear, that anxiety? Yes, absolutely, however, the difference now is, I do not run away from things, I no longer avoid them because I use the power of rational thinking to ensure that everything is an opportunity to grow and develop. Sometimes it's hard work, but I would take this any day of the week over the nervous wreck I used to be.

If you would like help in refocusing your irrational fears, I have created a simple sheet that you can use, so if you'd like it, just drop me a message at

contact@laylaallen.co.uk and I will get it sent over to you.